Love vs Live

A woman of worldliness blinks back tears and quells the waiver in her voice.

Her life of transience has granted her no favours in relationship longevity.

"Why won't you fight for me?"

"Because I know I'll lose."

She braces herself as her heart retreats.

"The Love I want to give, isn't the Love you need. So this is the only way I can."

"Goodbye."

Consolidating

In my sojourn at home, I've had a lot of time for myself to sort things out- internally and externally.

Internally...I've always been quite aware of what's going on in my head and heart in the philosophical sense. So, when it comes to pondering life...easy! I can move through the motions and make an interpretive dance of it.

Like this:

Externally...I'm like this:

Attempting to consolidate my Super Funds

What does this all MEAN!?!

Still a long ways until I attain 'true' balance. I'm thinking...I need to find me a partner who understands this stuff! 

Blast from the Past Deb

Today I received a letter from myself written well over a year ago before my mobilisation back to Cambodia for my final stint with Senhoa. 

30/9/11

Dear Future Me,

You had heaps of fun in Canberra and hopefully this warm, fuzzy feeling will resonate as you read this.

By this time, I reckon you’ll have collected a whole heap of new memories and fingers crossed a bit of humility amongst them.

What you’ve done is bloody awesome and so far removed from ‘normal folk’ everyday stuff and that makes YOU pretty awesome. BUT just let people figure that out! Get off that grand standing soapbox! As long as you feel within yourself you’re a good person and have done well, that will glow from within and you’ll be a delight all round.

Congratulations 26 year old me!!

Young, fit, healthy and loved. What more can you ask for?

Actually…it’ll be good if you learn how to save…or earn money for that matter…

Love you, love me.

-Past Me

Obviously I felt that I was getting to a point of unbearable cockiness. I had to tell myself to reign it back! However still, I proceeded to self-praise. Contradictory? Nah. 

For me to learn to accept compliments, I had to learn how to compliment myself so that when I did receive nice words it wouldn't go to my head, blow up my ego, or seem like I was feigning modesty. I would absorb and let it reaffirm that I'm on the right track; people see in me what I see in myself. 

What more can I ask for? 

Saying Goodbye

In a transient town such as Siem Reap, saying 'goodbye' is an event that occurs heart-breakingly (and in time, brain-numbingly) often.

I have been around for all sorts of goodbyes so naturally I have also been present for a lot of hellos. And the contrast between the start and finish of a relationship is...amazing. It is from this observation that inspired me to write:

A cool dismissal, an abrupt departure

A lengthy embrace, and yearning there after

A relationship reflected in that final goodbye

A smile of fond memories or regretful sigh

Possibilities explored with new wisdoms collected

Possibilities not opened if otherwise rejected

Indifference at worst, kindred spirits at best

A journey for one with many to connect

A clash of chemistry or conversational flow

A path that is embarked with a simple ‘hello’

And since having said 'Goodbye' to my beloved friends of Siem Reap, I feel blessed to have that many important people in my life to make me cry and miss dearly. 

My Farewell at Jungle Junction

My last hoorah with the students

But in the end it's not just 'bye'. It is just 'good'.

Ta Da!

It’s close to a year now since my last entry.

Assuming that people have been looking for me: Sorry, guys!

For those who haven’t: You weren’t missing anything. Obviously.

So today when I looked at my blog for the first time in ages, my eyeballs dried up with its staleness. Oh, how I’ve neglected thee. Me thinks thine due to revamp and revitalize.

Ta da! A new look! AND a new name! Staying true to the idea that ‘Today Is A Gift’, I’ve renamed my blog ‘Present- from me to you’.

I love the word ‘present’. It’s such a beautiful heteronym.

pres-ent [prez-uhnt]

noun

1. a gift to another

verb

2. to display something or introduce somebody

adjective (my favourite)

3. being, existing, or occurring at this time; now

Present is a self-indulgent thought catalog that will explore meaning behind seemingly flippant instances, conversations, comments or observations. Moments in time that are snapped, captured and pondered.

It is also a medium for me to display my words woven into poetry (which a lot of the time happens by accident). They are intimate feelings rather than gruesome details- I want you to interact with the words and fill in the gaps and assimilate. I’d rather you as the reader, to not be a mere observer of my thoughts, but a participant. Hopefully it will provide something to help precipitate your own understanding and search. 

And all that in turn will be a gift from me to you.

I'm also a grateful taker so please... share share share your thoughts and comments too!